Monday, 22 June 2015

A type of Dear Diary; A long ramble about my feelings towards my work, life and needing a kick up the butt. (This is probably more for me than it is anyone else).

[Heads up to anyone who does in fact read this, there will probably be grammatical/spelling mistakes and I may even repeat myself a few times, its a family trait. This will mainly be a lot of rambling that may not always make sense, I am not a great writer and I am simply trying to type out my thoughts for anymore that cares but mainly for myself. For a lack of a better words; a sort of kick up the butt type situation, to get it all out of my head to clear some space. So here goes...] 

It's been 8 months since I last made a post which is beyond ridiculous. This past year I haven't felt that inspired and when I have, I've lost all confidence and motivation to do anything proper with it and share it on this blog. A blog I made because I wanted an outlet to share the good, the bad and the ugly of my work; be it for a project or purpose, or just me messing around with things etc but this year has been difficult and this blog has been neglected.

When I started this blog I think I took it a lot less seriously, I'd just did/made things because I found it fun, wanted to try new things out and just because wanted to. It was a good place to share photographs I'd taken on days out, experimenting etc and although I know not many people even look at or read my blog, (I could just be talking to myself now) I feel like I put a lot of pressure on myself to have these amazing posts. After finishing university I almost felt like I should be making/doing these amazing things and that just wasn't completely the case. I began to constant worry that nothing I have is actually good enough and who in their right mind was going to even look at it. I've always been very critical of my own work and I think that in some cases that can be a brilliant thing, but I think over the past year, since leaving uni it has gotten slightly worse and my confidence has been completely knocked. Other than sharing a few photos on instagram of my work every now and again, I don't feel confident enough in them to post them anywhere or do anything with them; which completely sucks! I then start to feel like "whats the point of making anything if your not going to show anyone or do anything with it?' and nothing gets done. I'm all for designing for you, because you want to but I guess sometimes you need a little reassurance that your doing something right... Is that bad? I think after so many years of always having people, tutors etc judging and looking at work after every project, its kind of weird afterwards to adjust.

I think a lot of I know a lot of this pressure I put on myself and comes from the fact that in an ideal world I would leave university knowing exactly what field I wanted to work in and be on my way to doing that but for me and I'm sure many others, that wasn't the case. I took a year to live at home, earn some money and try and figure it out.... but that didn't exactly happen either and instead I think I might be even more clueless than before. Honestly that feels really good to "say" out loud aha! 
I like to call it that weird limbo after uni life.

I constantly see and know other people doing what they love, doing it well and being happy. I want to state that I am completely and utterly happy and proud of them all. They inspire me to do things, they work hard, go for what they want and it makes me deeply honoured to know people like that but sometimes, and I think I am only human for thinking this, I can't help but feel a bit rubbish because life has not panned out that way for me, that they seem so sure of what they want and have this wonderful confidence about them and I don't. To put it simply, I envy them. Envy is a terrible thing to have and a bitch to kick, but we can't all be perfect right?!

Obviously this is something I have to get over, an insecurity that I need to face and do something about, which I guess is the purpose of all this godforsaken rambling, the first step of doing something about if you will.. I think I need to get back to the basics of what I started this blog for; to keep a constant or semi constant stream of work, images, things that inspire me etc and try not to critic myself too much about it. After all, I'm not in education anymore; I don't have to worry about tutors or not having a purpose for something that I do...
Whether people actually look at this blog or not, I need to just get back into doing it, having fun with it, stop being ridiculous, share the silly collages and photos I take, write about things I've seen that inspire me or what I've been up to and build upon something I can proud and confident of and want to show off.
Blogging is something I used to really love doing and I get so inspire when I read/look at other peoples, Its such a great outlet and I want those good vibes back.

[Side Note; I am in no way promising myself that I'm going to be uploading things everyday but I'm definitely going to make a conscious effort to be better, hopefully by trying to pressure myself about this less, I will actually want to do it and do it well!] 

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